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Confidence or Courage?

I have just been putting some finishing touches to my confidence and self esteem training workshop that is having its debut in Vlora restaurant in Boston on 3 October (not long to go now! and had been musing on how to introduce the difference between confidence and self esteem.

My own experience is that there are some situations where my confidence leaves me (it dives back under the covers and refuses to show itself). For me these are situations that require me to carry out some form of physical activity such as a driving test (I have had to take one i n the UK, one in Ohio and a third in massachusets, so am a bit of a veteran), and my arms, legs and brain fail to communicate. My stomach usually joins in too, making me feel like a bundle of nerves. One of my worst 'physical' moments was my British Horse Society stage II exam, because not only was I being watched by the examiners, my horse could tell that there was a jellyfish on its back. (Happily I passed). Purely written examinations do not have me feeling like this at all, and I can remain composed. So is this confidence, self esteem or something else?

In these situations, I believe that it is my courage that is failing me. Mark Twain once wrote "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."

When I lack confidence, I am not fully mastering my fear - I did however find that the herbal remedy 'Kalms' containing valerian, gentian and hops powder helped reduce the fluttering in my stomach and made me more capable of staying in the horse's saddle. (Red wine also helps me with the fluttering but is not so good for the balance!)

In the short term (when facing a situation where I lack courage and therefore confidece) there is no time for the often recommended practices of yoga or meditation - my body is in fight or flight mode (or possibly faint?) So in the absence of calming medication, these are my 3 quick and handy hints:

1. Breathe properly and deeply. Take at least 3 deep breaths from your abdomen, and remember to breathe throughout the event (I have tended to hold my breath when showjumping and it is not conducive to winning!)
2. Think about your posture. Don't slouch and make yourself look smaller - it constricts your heart and lungs, and also your breathing.
3. Make eye contact if it is a personal interaction that you are facing. Looking upwards (as if for divine intervention) when you need inspiration also seems to have a positive effect on the brain and helps your thinking.

So, in my view, when I lack confidence, it is usually because fear is blocking my courage. At ists simplest, confidence is about being free from doubt about your effectiveness in a given situation. I know I can ride a horse and drive a car, but in exam situations my courge is in short supply.

In my next blog I will discuss self esteem and a short quiz, but for now keep breathing and sit up straight!

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Amanda

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Living from the inside out

Do you ever wish that your life was more fulfilling, or that you had the confidence to make the changes that you think you need? Are you one of the many people who are miserable most of the time and always looking for something to 'give you a lift'? So many of us spend so much time obsessing about our material possessions (Is it the latest fashion? Brand name? Will it impress my friends?) that we forget about who we are on the inside. Confidence cannot ever be found in the things that we possess - it is already inside us, even if it needs to be nurtured to grow stronger than it currently feels.

You probably know someone (it may even be yourself) who is always looking for life to improve by making a change in their outer environment. I came across this simple little story recently that illustrates this so well:

The Farmer and the stranger
A farmer was working in his field when a stranger walked along the road. The stranger stopped without a greeting and stated "I've been thinking of moving to this village, and was wondering what the villagers were like as neighbours".
"Well," said the farmer, "what are the neighbours like where you come from?"
"Not very nice", answered the stranger. "They are pretty unfriendly, mean and selfish. That's why I am looking to move".
"Well," said the farmer again, "I expect you'll find the same type of people in this village too...unfriendly, selfish and mean. You probably won't like it here."
The stranger shrugged his shoulders and walked off without saying goodbye.
A little while later, another stranger came along the road, and introduced himself, before asking a similar question about the villagers.
"What type of people live in your current village?" asked the farmer.
"Oh, they are really great people - generous, kind and really friendly. I will be really sorry to leave them behind, and hope they will come to visit me."
"Well" said the farmer, (using his favorite word), "I expect that you'll find the same sort of people here too - generous, kind and friendly. I am sure you would like it here."

(Story adapted from 'The Art of Confident Living' by Bryan Robinson ph.D)