Living from the inside out

Do you ever wish that your life was more fulfilling, or that you had the confidence to make the changes that you think you need? Are you one of the many people who are miserable most of the time and always looking for something to 'give you a lift'? So many of us spend so much time obsessing about our material possessions (Is it the latest fashion? Brand name? Will it impress my friends?) that we forget about who we are on the inside. Confidence cannot ever be found in the things that we possess - it is already inside us, even if it needs to be nurtured to grow stronger than it currently feels.

You probably know someone (it may even be yourself) who is always looking for life to improve by making a change in their outer environment. I came across this simple little story recently that illustrates this so well:

The Farmer and the stranger
A farmer was working in his field when a stranger walked along the road. The stranger stopped without a greeting and stated "I've been thinking of moving to this village, and was wondering what the villagers were like as neighbours".
"Well," said the farmer, "what are the neighbours like where you come from?"
"Not very nice", answered the stranger. "They are pretty unfriendly, mean and selfish. That's why I am looking to move".
"Well," said the farmer again, "I expect you'll find the same type of people in this village too...unfriendly, selfish and mean. You probably won't like it here."
The stranger shrugged his shoulders and walked off without saying goodbye.
A little while later, another stranger came along the road, and introduced himself, before asking a similar question about the villagers.
"What type of people live in your current village?" asked the farmer.
"Oh, they are really great people - generous, kind and really friendly. I will be really sorry to leave them behind, and hope they will come to visit me."
"Well" said the farmer, (using his favorite word), "I expect that you'll find the same sort of people here too - generous, kind and friendly. I am sure you would like it here."

(Story adapted from 'The Art of Confident Living' by Bryan Robinson ph.D)

Don’t play the ‘yes but’ game…!

Don’t play the ‘yes but’ game…!

Gaining more financial control - some ideas for beginners!

I'd like to introduce you to a young couple who I will call William and Lisa. They have just set up home together and have plans to start a family - you may remember how it felt? You may also remember the debts you already had and the overspending that you indulged in whilst trying to create your ideal home (within the budget that you had).


William and Lisa seemed stuck in a rut with their finances and had run out of ideas on how to achieve this on their own.As a life coach my methods are normally to guide my clients into finding their own solutions rather than impose a plan of action on them, but some gentle bullying was called for here!


To gain a better understanding of their situation, in our initial free 30 minute consultation I found out their background and the two questions that they needed help with:

• How can we stretch our income?’ and


• How can we successfully budget?’ (I needed all of us to be clearer about what they would see as successful, and whether they have a goal in mind)

They were ‘stuck’ in their current spending patterns and use of their credit cards. The first issue to unravel was the level of current credit card debt and how much it was growing – are they just paying minimum monthly payments, or was there a single incident that caused the current balance, such as shopping for the new house?

To start to establish their goals, we explored the ideal situation as far as stretching their income – what does it have to stretch to, and how far is this away from the current situation? Budgeting is a scary word for many people, so my role as coach was to take some of the anxiety way and make the budget as simple as they needed it to be.

Looking at the current reality of joint household spending, I set them the task of tracking their spending and listing everything that they spend on both credit cards and cash purchases for a full month, plus all of the household bills

They each kept a small notebook to enter everything purchased each day. I didn't want this to be a really onerous task, it was just a list of expenditure, not a formal budget, but gave them both a better awareness of how their money was being spent. I also suggested that they spend a few minutes each day (possibly over dinner?) reviewing the days expenditure and whether it was really necessary.

Once expenditure was identified, they could give some thought to what they are buying at present and consider alternatives that will help them stretch their income. For this I set them the task of answering the following questions:

• 5 things we will stop buying


• 5 ways we could increase our household income


• Steps we will take to start saving
  

The next challenge for me as their coach was introducing them to a simple and workable budget. There are many simple budgets availabel free on-line, which they could download for themselves and keep updated. One that I find easy to use is from www.vertex42.com

We also looked at making the most of their money by having their income paid into an interest paying account. Our discussion was about the concept of saving for the future, however tight budgets are. There is an old saying about becoming rich requires you to pay yourself first. A suggestion to save just $5 per week (what might they give up to the cost of £5?) would mean that they are $130 better off in 6 months time. At that point they can review their saving regime with the aim of setting another goal with a higher amount. I helped them set a SMART goal to help here:

Specific – we will save a minimum of £5 each per week
Measurable – A total of £10 will be paid into our savings account each week

Achievable – Definitely, we will establish this as a new habit
Realistic – As this is less than £1 a day each, we can realistically save this amount
Timed – Starting tomorrow, we will maintain this for the next 6 months when we will review our progress and increase the amount of our savings.

I finished our four week coaching interaction with a review of their longer term goals (which included starting a family) by encouraging them to visualise themselves having complete control of their expenditure and having some money set aside by the time their first child is born!

If you would like some help taking control of your own finances, in visualising your goals or setting SMART objectives, take advantage of my 30 minute free coaching session to see if coaching is right for you.

Call Amanda o 781 697 7608 or email - manda.miller@verizon.net

Just breathe

I had what I would call a stressful moment earlier this week when I almost had my car towed from the parking lot of a friend's apartment! There were only two ways to deal with the humorless pair of 'no' men that were holding my car hostage with their tow truck - the first was to give in gracefully and pay the $50 release fee. The second was to ensure that I remained calm by controlling my breathing.

If you find yourself taking shallow, rapid breaths during stressful moments then you are not getting enough oxygen to your brain or your body, and will feel lethargic and unable to operate at your best. Notice whether you take small breaths which barely move your abdomen. These breaths are likely to be quite rapid, since you are depriving your body of oxygen – you are in fact suffocating. It also makes you speak faster and sound less than composed! Learning to breath properly is very simple, yet underpins how you deal with everything else in your life. It is key to handling stressful situations and therefore how much emotional and physical stress you experience. It is the most basic form of stress management. You can use your breathing to teach your body to relax, which in turn helps you think more productively.

1. As you inhale, imagine that your abdomen is a balloon that you are slowly filling with air. (Note here that you are not focusing on filling your lungs, thereby breathing from your chest.)

2. Visualise how new born babies breath, with their tummies rising and falling in a relaxed and natural way.

3. Place your hand on your abdomen whilst you are inhaling.

4. Now observe your hand whilst you let your breath out, whilst imagining you are letting air out of your balloon (you may wish to imagine your navel as the entry and exit of this air)

5. Whilst exhaling, make sure your abdomen remains relaxed.

6. Take at least three more slow, deep, breaths whilst focusing on the movement of your abdomen.

Hints and tips
· Incorporate this every day, as often as you remember, but particularly when you are in a stressful situation such as being held up by tow away operatives.
· See if you can maintain this for up to 10 minutes at a time – it is the basis for many forms of meditation
· Practice when you are relaxing at home or sitting at your computer
· Practice when you are angry, nervous or suffering from insomnia
· Practice whenever you notice that your breathing in is shallow, fast or tense
· Practice until this becomes a habit!
· Breathing slowly and deeply is a signal to your mind and body to let go of stress and tension. It reduces the fight-or-flight instinct which causes so much of our stress.

And you can always visualise later what you might have done to the other guy - but visualisation is another stress buster for a later blog!

Have a stress free day!

Amanda

Is optimism inherited?

I am asking this question after a recent chat with my Dad. He had just returned home after a week in an NHS hospital in London, following some complictions linked to an earlier hernia operation. During his stay in hospital, I spoke to my Mum almost every day, and she was not coping well without him. In their 40 plus years of marriage, he had never been away without her, and she was stressed to be in the house on her own.

Dad on the other hand made the most of his 'enforced' vacation. He said that he listened to the radio on his phone with earplugs, had plenty to eat (he is a notoriously fussy eater) and particularly liked the deserts - such as pear crumble that he had never had before, and was sorry to be missing the ginger sponge that was on the current night's menu, (he had ordered that before he was discharged and was wondering if he could sneak back in to eat his portion!) He also said that he was learning about people by watching how they behaved around the ward. Not once was there any hint of complaint or negativity. All in all, it was a minor set back, and he will now carry on where he left off, having benefited from some new culinary experiences.

Have I inherited Dad's optimism or Mum's pessimism? I think I have about an 80/20 split between the two. Mainly I am optimistic, but there are times when I slip into an attitude of' 'poor old me'. I have been working on dealling with those times, and think I have almost conquered them. Here's my top 5 ways of keeping my own optimism -

1. Talking to positive people every day - both Dad and my husband are great at raising my spirits and helping me keep everything in perspective;
2. Treating all five of my senses every day - I like to have scented candles or incense sticks for smell; a sensible amount of one of my favourite foods (such as chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels) for taste, to stroke my cats for touch and listen to them purr for one of my favorite sounds and to watch the wildlife out of my window for sight.
3. Appreciating everything that I have and how all my senses allow me to experience and enjoy life
4. Learning something new - reading a new book or blog, or checking what is on the Discovery or History channel
5. Doing something that I have been putting off, such as weeding or ironing. It's not the task itself that makes me feel good, it is the feeling of achievement I get once the task has been finished, and I can sit down with a cup of tea and a chocolate pretzel!