Confidence or Courage?

I have just been putting some finishing touches to my confidence and self esteem training workshop that is having its debut in Vlora restaurant in Boston on 3 October (not long to go now! and had been musing on how to introduce the difference between confidence and self esteem.

My own experience is that there are some situations where my confidence leaves me (it dives back under the covers and refuses to show itself). For me these are situations that require me to carry out some form of physical activity such as a driving test (I have had to take one i n the UK, one in Ohio and a third in massachusets, so am a bit of a veteran), and my arms, legs and brain fail to communicate. My stomach usually joins in too, making me feel like a bundle of nerves. One of my worst 'physical' moments was my British Horse Society stage II exam, because not only was I being watched by the examiners, my horse could tell that there was a jellyfish on its back. (Happily I passed). Purely written examinations do not have me feeling like this at all, and I can remain composed. So is this confidence, self esteem or something else?

In these situations, I believe that it is my courage that is failing me. Mark Twain once wrote "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."

When I lack confidence, I am not fully mastering my fear - I did however find that the herbal remedy 'Kalms' containing valerian, gentian and hops powder helped reduce the fluttering in my stomach and made me more capable of staying in the horse's saddle. (Red wine also helps me with the fluttering but is not so good for the balance!)

In the short term (when facing a situation where I lack courage and therefore confidece) there is no time for the often recommended practices of yoga or meditation - my body is in fight or flight mode (or possibly faint?) So in the absence of calming medication, these are my 3 quick and handy hints:

1. Breathe properly and deeply. Take at least 3 deep breaths from your abdomen, and remember to breathe throughout the event (I have tended to hold my breath when showjumping and it is not conducive to winning!)
2. Think about your posture. Don't slouch and make yourself look smaller - it constricts your heart and lungs, and also your breathing.
3. Make eye contact if it is a personal interaction that you are facing. Looking upwards (as if for divine intervention) when you need inspiration also seems to have a positive effect on the brain and helps your thinking.

So, in my view, when I lack confidence, it is usually because fear is blocking my courage. At ists simplest, confidence is about being free from doubt about your effectiveness in a given situation. I know I can ride a horse and drive a car, but in exam situations my courge is in short supply.

In my next blog I will discuss self esteem and a short quiz, but for now keep breathing and sit up straight!

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Amanda

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Just breathe

I had what I would call a stressful moment earlier this week when I almost had my car towed from the parking lot of a friend's apartment! There were only two ways to deal with the humorless pair of 'no' men that were holding my car hostage with their tow truck - the first was to give in gracefully and pay the $50 release fee. The second was to ensure that I remained calm by controlling my breathing.

If you find yourself taking shallow, rapid breaths during stressful moments then you are not getting enough oxygen to your brain or your body, and will feel lethargic and unable to operate at your best. Notice whether you take small breaths which barely move your abdomen. These breaths are likely to be quite rapid, since you are depriving your body of oxygen – you are in fact suffocating. It also makes you speak faster and sound less than composed! Learning to breath properly is very simple, yet underpins how you deal with everything else in your life. It is key to handling stressful situations and therefore how much emotional and physical stress you experience. It is the most basic form of stress management. You can use your breathing to teach your body to relax, which in turn helps you think more productively.

1. As you inhale, imagine that your abdomen is a balloon that you are slowly filling with air. (Note here that you are not focusing on filling your lungs, thereby breathing from your chest.)

2. Visualise how new born babies breath, with their tummies rising and falling in a relaxed and natural way.

3. Place your hand on your abdomen whilst you are inhaling.

4. Now observe your hand whilst you let your breath out, whilst imagining you are letting air out of your balloon (you may wish to imagine your navel as the entry and exit of this air)

5. Whilst exhaling, make sure your abdomen remains relaxed.

6. Take at least three more slow, deep, breaths whilst focusing on the movement of your abdomen.

Hints and tips
· Incorporate this every day, as often as you remember, but particularly when you are in a stressful situation such as being held up by tow away operatives.
· See if you can maintain this for up to 10 minutes at a time – it is the basis for many forms of meditation
· Practice when you are relaxing at home or sitting at your computer
· Practice when you are angry, nervous or suffering from insomnia
· Practice whenever you notice that your breathing in is shallow, fast or tense
· Practice until this becomes a habit!
· Breathing slowly and deeply is a signal to your mind and body to let go of stress and tension. It reduces the fight-or-flight instinct which causes so much of our stress.

And you can always visualise later what you might have done to the other guy - but visualisation is another stress buster for a later blog!

Have a stress free day!

Amanda