I was invited to be a guest on a recent local TV show about dating and relationships. As this is a subject that is so closely connected to confidence and self esteem, it made me reflect on my ideas about a perfect relationship. To me, your relationships with your friends and your significant other have two key things in common to make them work. If either of these is missing, neither will last very long. The question on the show which prompted my thoughts was 'If the guy I am dating stops calling me after our second date, should I try to call him?' My reply to this is a definite 'No'. Why on earth would you?
Think rationally about the situation: At the early stages of dating and building a relationship, you both should be showing your absolute best side. You will be on your best behaviour, look your best and do all that you can to impress the other person. So if this other person's idea of trying to impress you is not calling you back, is this really the sort of person you want to develop a relationship with? If this is their best, then there is no future in pursuing them - their behavior is not likely to get better if you chase after them and give them an opportunity to behave badly, setting the (low) standard for the rest of your relationship. Think about how badly they will treat you in a year or two's time. Would you tolerate this lack or courtesy from one of your friends or family? Even if there was some sort of emergency that has called him away, no one is very far from a telephone nowdays.
So my first absolute essential for developing a relationship has to be 'friendship'. If this is how you expeect your friends to treat you, then it is time to find a new circle.
The second essential, which is evidenced in the person's early behaviour is integrity. My definition of this is a persons' adherence to moral and ethical principles, their moral character and, most importantly, their honesty. This is easy to spot in your very first interaction with them by the way that they treat you.
Some simple examples are: -
- Does s/he call when s/he says he will?
- Does s/he ask for, and listen to, your point of view?
- Do you go on dates that you will both enjoy or does they other person always insist on making the choice?
Integrity is not about being a door mat and just doing what the other person wants (so consider your own integrity too!) If someone starts making excuses, ask yourself if their integrity (or lack of it) is an issue. Longer term, if you imagine yourselves together five years down the line, is this going to be someone that you can rely on to make you feel safe and secure around them, who you can confide and trust in what ever the issues, and that you can speak your mind to? Or will you be walking on egg shells and feeling anxious about where they are and what they are doing.
It's your life, so make sure that you know what you want and what will make you happy.
Amanda
