Confidence or Courage?

I have just been putting some finishing touches to my confidence and self esteem training workshop that is having its debut in Vlora restaurant in Boston on 3 October (not long to go now! and had been musing on how to introduce the difference between confidence and self esteem.

My own experience is that there are some situations where my confidence leaves me (it dives back under the covers and refuses to show itself). For me these are situations that require me to carry out some form of physical activity such as a driving test (I have had to take one i n the UK, one in Ohio and a third in massachusets, so am a bit of a veteran), and my arms, legs and brain fail to communicate. My stomach usually joins in too, making me feel like a bundle of nerves. One of my worst 'physical' moments was my British Horse Society stage II exam, because not only was I being watched by the examiners, my horse could tell that there was a jellyfish on its back. (Happily I passed). Purely written examinations do not have me feeling like this at all, and I can remain composed. So is this confidence, self esteem or something else?

In these situations, I believe that it is my courage that is failing me. Mark Twain once wrote "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."

When I lack confidence, I am not fully mastering my fear - I did however find that the herbal remedy 'Kalms' containing valerian, gentian and hops powder helped reduce the fluttering in my stomach and made me more capable of staying in the horse's saddle. (Red wine also helps me with the fluttering but is not so good for the balance!)

In the short term (when facing a situation where I lack courage and therefore confidece) there is no time for the often recommended practices of yoga or meditation - my body is in fight or flight mode (or possibly faint?) So in the absence of calming medication, these are my 3 quick and handy hints:

1. Breathe properly and deeply. Take at least 3 deep breaths from your abdomen, and remember to breathe throughout the event (I have tended to hold my breath when showjumping and it is not conducive to winning!)
2. Think about your posture. Don't slouch and make yourself look smaller - it constricts your heart and lungs, and also your breathing.
3. Make eye contact if it is a personal interaction that you are facing. Looking upwards (as if for divine intervention) when you need inspiration also seems to have a positive effect on the brain and helps your thinking.

So, in my view, when I lack confidence, it is usually because fear is blocking my courage. At ists simplest, confidence is about being free from doubt about your effectiveness in a given situation. I know I can ride a horse and drive a car, but in exam situations my courge is in short supply.

In my next blog I will discuss self esteem and a short quiz, but for now keep breathing and sit up straight!

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Amanda

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Can good manners improve your self confidence?

I read a comment from one of my Facebook friends earlier today about common courtesies that go a long way. For the younger amongst you, who might not be familiar with the phrase, the common courtesies are 'Please', 'Thank You' and 'Excuse me'.

These were amongst the first words that I would have been taught, but it seems so rare nowdays. I was therefore amazed recently when a friend reminded her two year old to say thankyou when he was given a drink, and then throughout the visit with them, he continued to say 'Thank you' whenever he was given anything else - so cute! But he now seems to be an exception to the current practice (particularly amongst the 2 plus age group) of merely grunting, or at the most muttering the shortened form 'Thanks', which would not have been acceptable to my Mother! Whenever leaving the house for a social event, my sister and I were always sent off with the advice 'Have a good time and mind your P's and Q's'. I wasn't sure what the P or Q stood for (maybe P for Please and Q for 'Than-Q?) but the message was clear. And other people's mother's were given the power to report back to mine if manners were overlooked - and that would have put me into my Mum's bad books, which was to be avoided at all costs!

As a shy child, at least these socially acceptable words gave me something to say to people that I didn't know at a first meeting - 'Thank you for inviting me' was at least a start! You were never completely lost for words when supported by your manners. And there were so many times we were expected to say 'Please', such as 'Please may I leave the table' when we had finished eating, 'Please can I go out with my friends', 'Please will you drive me to...', 'Please can I stay up late tonight to watch... on TV'. These expectations of basic good manners seem to be as extinct as the dinosaurs amongst the children I meet nowadays.

As an adult I now use eye contact and a smile to support my P's and Q's. These go such a long way in making both me and the other person feel more confident in our communication. Try it and see!