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I have been neglecting this blog for the last few weeks, because I have a completely new website which has the capactity to host all my blogs. I have also had to teach myself how to do a few things to create regular posts! Please join me and my blogs at our new home - www.smartstepslifecoach.com/blog/

Confidence or Courage?

I have just been putting some finishing touches to my confidence and self esteem training workshop that is having its debut in Vlora restaurant in Boston on 3 October (not long to go now! and had been musing on how to introduce the difference between confidence and self esteem.

My own experience is that there are some situations where my confidence leaves me (it dives back under the covers and refuses to show itself). For me these are situations that require me to carry out some form of physical activity such as a driving test (I have had to take one i n the UK, one in Ohio and a third in massachusets, so am a bit of a veteran), and my arms, legs and brain fail to communicate. My stomach usually joins in too, making me feel like a bundle of nerves. One of my worst 'physical' moments was my British Horse Society stage II exam, because not only was I being watched by the examiners, my horse could tell that there was a jellyfish on its back. (Happily I passed). Purely written examinations do not have me feeling like this at all, and I can remain composed. So is this confidence, self esteem or something else?

In these situations, I believe that it is my courage that is failing me. Mark Twain once wrote "Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear."

When I lack confidence, I am not fully mastering my fear - I did however find that the herbal remedy 'Kalms' containing valerian, gentian and hops powder helped reduce the fluttering in my stomach and made me more capable of staying in the horse's saddle. (Red wine also helps me with the fluttering but is not so good for the balance!)

In the short term (when facing a situation where I lack courage and therefore confidece) there is no time for the often recommended practices of yoga or meditation - my body is in fight or flight mode (or possibly faint?) So in the absence of calming medication, these are my 3 quick and handy hints:

1. Breathe properly and deeply. Take at least 3 deep breaths from your abdomen, and remember to breathe throughout the event (I have tended to hold my breath when showjumping and it is not conducive to winning!)
2. Think about your posture. Don't slouch and make yourself look smaller - it constricts your heart and lungs, and also your breathing.
3. Make eye contact if it is a personal interaction that you are facing. Looking upwards (as if for divine intervention) when you need inspiration also seems to have a positive effect on the brain and helps your thinking.

So, in my view, when I lack confidence, it is usually because fear is blocking my courage. At ists simplest, confidence is about being free from doubt about your effectiveness in a given situation. I know I can ride a horse and drive a car, but in exam situations my courge is in short supply.

In my next blog I will discuss self esteem and a short quiz, but for now keep breathing and sit up straight!

For more ideas on becoming your own life coach, join me on Twitter – http://www.twitter.com/smartstepper

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If you have a coaching or personal development issue that you would like me to help you with, please contact me.

Amanda

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Living from the inside out

Do you ever wish that your life was more fulfilling, or that you had the confidence to make the changes that you think you need? Are you one of the many people who are miserable most of the time and always looking for something to 'give you a lift'? So many of us spend so much time obsessing about our material possessions (Is it the latest fashion? Brand name? Will it impress my friends?) that we forget about who we are on the inside. Confidence cannot ever be found in the things that we possess - it is already inside us, even if it needs to be nurtured to grow stronger than it currently feels.

You probably know someone (it may even be yourself) who is always looking for life to improve by making a change in their outer environment. I came across this simple little story recently that illustrates this so well:

The Farmer and the stranger
A farmer was working in his field when a stranger walked along the road. The stranger stopped without a greeting and stated "I've been thinking of moving to this village, and was wondering what the villagers were like as neighbours".
"Well," said the farmer, "what are the neighbours like where you come from?"
"Not very nice", answered the stranger. "They are pretty unfriendly, mean and selfish. That's why I am looking to move".
"Well," said the farmer again, "I expect you'll find the same type of people in this village too...unfriendly, selfish and mean. You probably won't like it here."
The stranger shrugged his shoulders and walked off without saying goodbye.
A little while later, another stranger came along the road, and introduced himself, before asking a similar question about the villagers.
"What type of people live in your current village?" asked the farmer.
"Oh, they are really great people - generous, kind and really friendly. I will be really sorry to leave them behind, and hope they will come to visit me."
"Well" said the farmer, (using his favorite word), "I expect that you'll find the same sort of people here too - generous, kind and friendly. I am sure you would like it here."

(Story adapted from 'The Art of Confident Living' by Bryan Robinson ph.D)

Don’t play the ‘yes but’ game…!

Don’t play the ‘yes but’ game…!

Gaining more financial control - some ideas for beginners!

I'd like to introduce you to a young couple who I will call William and Lisa. They have just set up home together and have plans to start a family - you may remember how it felt? You may also remember the debts you already had and the overspending that you indulged in whilst trying to create your ideal home (within the budget that you had).


William and Lisa seemed stuck in a rut with their finances and had run out of ideas on how to achieve this on their own.As a life coach my methods are normally to guide my clients into finding their own solutions rather than impose a plan of action on them, but some gentle bullying was called for here!


To gain a better understanding of their situation, in our initial free 30 minute consultation I found out their background and the two questions that they needed help with:

• How can we stretch our income?’ and


• How can we successfully budget?’ (I needed all of us to be clearer about what they would see as successful, and whether they have a goal in mind)

They were ‘stuck’ in their current spending patterns and use of their credit cards. The first issue to unravel was the level of current credit card debt and how much it was growing – are they just paying minimum monthly payments, or was there a single incident that caused the current balance, such as shopping for the new house?

To start to establish their goals, we explored the ideal situation as far as stretching their income – what does it have to stretch to, and how far is this away from the current situation? Budgeting is a scary word for many people, so my role as coach was to take some of the anxiety way and make the budget as simple as they needed it to be.

Looking at the current reality of joint household spending, I set them the task of tracking their spending and listing everything that they spend on both credit cards and cash purchases for a full month, plus all of the household bills

They each kept a small notebook to enter everything purchased each day. I didn't want this to be a really onerous task, it was just a list of expenditure, not a formal budget, but gave them both a better awareness of how their money was being spent. I also suggested that they spend a few minutes each day (possibly over dinner?) reviewing the days expenditure and whether it was really necessary.

Once expenditure was identified, they could give some thought to what they are buying at present and consider alternatives that will help them stretch their income. For this I set them the task of answering the following questions:

• 5 things we will stop buying


• 5 ways we could increase our household income


• Steps we will take to start saving
  

The next challenge for me as their coach was introducing them to a simple and workable budget. There are many simple budgets availabel free on-line, which they could download for themselves and keep updated. One that I find easy to use is from www.vertex42.com

We also looked at making the most of their money by having their income paid into an interest paying account. Our discussion was about the concept of saving for the future, however tight budgets are. There is an old saying about becoming rich requires you to pay yourself first. A suggestion to save just $5 per week (what might they give up to the cost of £5?) would mean that they are $130 better off in 6 months time. At that point they can review their saving regime with the aim of setting another goal with a higher amount. I helped them set a SMART goal to help here:

Specific – we will save a minimum of £5 each per week
Measurable – A total of £10 will be paid into our savings account each week

Achievable – Definitely, we will establish this as a new habit
Realistic – As this is less than £1 a day each, we can realistically save this amount
Timed – Starting tomorrow, we will maintain this for the next 6 months when we will review our progress and increase the amount of our savings.

I finished our four week coaching interaction with a review of their longer term goals (which included starting a family) by encouraging them to visualise themselves having complete control of their expenditure and having some money set aside by the time their first child is born!

If you would like some help taking control of your own finances, in visualising your goals or setting SMART objectives, take advantage of my 30 minute free coaching session to see if coaching is right for you.

Call Amanda o 781 697 7608 or email - manda.miller@verizon.net

Just breathe

I had what I would call a stressful moment earlier this week when I almost had my car towed from the parking lot of a friend's apartment! There were only two ways to deal with the humorless pair of 'no' men that were holding my car hostage with their tow truck - the first was to give in gracefully and pay the $50 release fee. The second was to ensure that I remained calm by controlling my breathing.

If you find yourself taking shallow, rapid breaths during stressful moments then you are not getting enough oxygen to your brain or your body, and will feel lethargic and unable to operate at your best. Notice whether you take small breaths which barely move your abdomen. These breaths are likely to be quite rapid, since you are depriving your body of oxygen – you are in fact suffocating. It also makes you speak faster and sound less than composed! Learning to breath properly is very simple, yet underpins how you deal with everything else in your life. It is key to handling stressful situations and therefore how much emotional and physical stress you experience. It is the most basic form of stress management. You can use your breathing to teach your body to relax, which in turn helps you think more productively.

1. As you inhale, imagine that your abdomen is a balloon that you are slowly filling with air. (Note here that you are not focusing on filling your lungs, thereby breathing from your chest.)

2. Visualise how new born babies breath, with their tummies rising and falling in a relaxed and natural way.

3. Place your hand on your abdomen whilst you are inhaling.

4. Now observe your hand whilst you let your breath out, whilst imagining you are letting air out of your balloon (you may wish to imagine your navel as the entry and exit of this air)

5. Whilst exhaling, make sure your abdomen remains relaxed.

6. Take at least three more slow, deep, breaths whilst focusing on the movement of your abdomen.

Hints and tips
· Incorporate this every day, as often as you remember, but particularly when you are in a stressful situation such as being held up by tow away operatives.
· See if you can maintain this for up to 10 minutes at a time – it is the basis for many forms of meditation
· Practice when you are relaxing at home or sitting at your computer
· Practice when you are angry, nervous or suffering from insomnia
· Practice whenever you notice that your breathing in is shallow, fast or tense
· Practice until this becomes a habit!
· Breathing slowly and deeply is a signal to your mind and body to let go of stress and tension. It reduces the fight-or-flight instinct which causes so much of our stress.

And you can always visualise later what you might have done to the other guy - but visualisation is another stress buster for a later blog!

Have a stress free day!

Amanda

Is optimism inherited?

I am asking this question after a recent chat with my Dad. He had just returned home after a week in an NHS hospital in London, following some complictions linked to an earlier hernia operation. During his stay in hospital, I spoke to my Mum almost every day, and she was not coping well without him. In their 40 plus years of marriage, he had never been away without her, and she was stressed to be in the house on her own.

Dad on the other hand made the most of his 'enforced' vacation. He said that he listened to the radio on his phone with earplugs, had plenty to eat (he is a notoriously fussy eater) and particularly liked the deserts - such as pear crumble that he had never had before, and was sorry to be missing the ginger sponge that was on the current night's menu, (he had ordered that before he was discharged and was wondering if he could sneak back in to eat his portion!) He also said that he was learning about people by watching how they behaved around the ward. Not once was there any hint of complaint or negativity. All in all, it was a minor set back, and he will now carry on where he left off, having benefited from some new culinary experiences.

Have I inherited Dad's optimism or Mum's pessimism? I think I have about an 80/20 split between the two. Mainly I am optimistic, but there are times when I slip into an attitude of' 'poor old me'. I have been working on dealling with those times, and think I have almost conquered them. Here's my top 5 ways of keeping my own optimism -

1. Talking to positive people every day - both Dad and my husband are great at raising my spirits and helping me keep everything in perspective;
2. Treating all five of my senses every day - I like to have scented candles or incense sticks for smell; a sensible amount of one of my favourite foods (such as chocolate covered peanut butter pretzels) for taste, to stroke my cats for touch and listen to them purr for one of my favorite sounds and to watch the wildlife out of my window for sight.
3. Appreciating everything that I have and how all my senses allow me to experience and enjoy life
4. Learning something new - reading a new book or blog, or checking what is on the Discovery or History channel
5. Doing something that I have been putting off, such as weeding or ironing. It's not the task itself that makes me feel good, it is the feeling of achievement I get once the task has been finished, and I can sit down with a cup of tea and a chocolate pretzel!

Two simple little things for a perfect relationship

I was invited to be a guest on a recent local TV show about dating and relationships. As this is a subject that is so closely connected to confidence and self esteem, it made me reflect on my ideas about a perfect relationship. To me, your relationships with your friends and your significant other have two key things in common to make them work. If either of these is missing, neither will last very long. The question on the show which prompted my thoughts was 'If the guy I am dating stops calling me after our second date, should I try to call him?' My reply to this is a definite 'No'. Why on earth would you?


Think rationally about the situation: At the early stages of dating and building a relationship, you both should be showing your absolute best side. You will be on your best behaviour, look your best and do all that you can to impress the other person. So if this other person's idea of trying to impress you is not calling you back, is this really the sort of person you want to develop a relationship with? If this is their best, then there is no future in pursuing them - their behavior is not likely to get better if you chase after them and give them an opportunity to behave badly, setting the (low) standard for the rest of your relationship. Think about how badly they will treat you in a year or two's time. Would you tolerate this lack or courtesy from one of your friends or family? Even if there was some sort of emergency that has called him away, no one is very far from a telephone nowdays.


So my first absolute essential for developing a relationship has to be 'friendship'. If this is how you expeect your friends to treat you, then it is time to find a new circle.


The second essential, which is evidenced in the person's early behaviour is integrity. My definition of this is a persons' adherence to moral and ethical principles, their moral character and, most importantly, their honesty. This is easy to spot in your very first interaction with them by the way that they treat you.

Some simple examples are: -

• Does s/he call when s/he says he will?
• Does s/he ask for, and listen to, your point of view?
• Do you go on dates that you will both enjoy or does they other person always insist on making the choice?

Integrity is not about being a door mat and just doing what the other person wants (so consider your own integrity too!) If someone starts making excuses, ask yourself if their integrity (or lack of it) is an issue. Longer term, if you imagine yourselves together five years down the line, is this going to be someone that you can rely on to make you feel safe and secure around them, who you can confide and trust in what ever the issues, and that you can speak your mind to? Or will you be walking on egg shells and feeling anxious about where they are and what they are doing.

It's your life, so make sure that you know what you want and what will make you happy.

Amanda

Tips for happiness

Ten Little Tips to Feel Happier Right Now (after all, it is Friday!)

Ten Little Tips to Feel Happier even if the sun isnt shining...


1. Smile. Raise the corners of your mouth. Pretty soon the smile will become genuine - you can fake it until you make it.

2. Breathe deeply and slowly from your belly, not your chest. Focus your entire attention on each in-breath and out-breath. I suggest at least 10 of these at a time.

3. Take a walk by yourself (You might need an umbrella if you are living anywhere near here). Focus on each step and on your breathing.

4. Count your blessings. Make a gratitude list. Everyone has thousands of things to be thankful for - see if you can get to at least 10.

5. Be thankful for those who serve you. Make a list of those you depend upon. Everyone has many people who help along the way. Don't forget those who grow and deliver your food, keep your electricity and telephone running, provide emergency medical care, and protect the safety of your community and your nation.

6. Forgive someone for something right now. Release the resentment and anger. This practice is for you to become happier. Telling the other person is a bonus, or you could write it in a letter that you chose to mail to them, or not.

7. Stretch your body. Do yoga, do qigong, or just stand and stretch.I have just been stretching whilst doing the ironing!

8. Turn on happy music and dance. Don't stop 'til you're tired. Maybe dance all by yourself. Choose music that makes you want to move and keep moving.

9. Be of service. Find someone who has worse troubles than you and do something nice for them today.

10. Meditate or have a conversation with God/the universe (or whatever you call your Higher Power).

Do some of these everyday, and feel the difference!



Based on material from Jonathan Lockwood Huie - www.DreamThisDay.com.

Jonathan Lockwood Huiejlh@sail7.comDaily Inspiration - Daily Quote

Can good manners improve your self confidence?

I read a comment from one of my Facebook friends earlier today about common courtesies that go a long way. For the younger amongst you, who might not be familiar with the phrase, the common courtesies are 'Please', 'Thank You' and 'Excuse me'.

These were amongst the first words that I would have been taught, but it seems so rare nowdays. I was therefore amazed recently when a friend reminded her two year old to say thankyou when he was given a drink, and then throughout the visit with them, he continued to say 'Thank you' whenever he was given anything else - so cute! But he now seems to be an exception to the current practice (particularly amongst the 2 plus age group) of merely grunting, or at the most muttering the shortened form 'Thanks', which would not have been acceptable to my Mother! Whenever leaving the house for a social event, my sister and I were always sent off with the advice 'Have a good time and mind your P's and Q's'. I wasn't sure what the P or Q stood for (maybe P for Please and Q for 'Than-Q?) but the message was clear. And other people's mother's were given the power to report back to mine if manners were overlooked - and that would have put me into my Mum's bad books, which was to be avoided at all costs!

As a shy child, at least these socially acceptable words gave me something to say to people that I didn't know at a first meeting - 'Thank you for inviting me' was at least a start! You were never completely lost for words when supported by your manners. And there were so many times we were expected to say 'Please', such as 'Please may I leave the table' when we had finished eating, 'Please can I go out with my friends', 'Please will you drive me to...', 'Please can I stay up late tonight to watch... on TV'. These expectations of basic good manners seem to be as extinct as the dinosaurs amongst the children I meet nowadays.

As an adult I now use eye contact and a smile to support my P's and Q's. These go such a long way in making both me and the other person feel more confident in our communication. Try it and see!